Sunday, January 7, 2007

A Rut

From time to time I feel as if I need to apologize for my lack of political commentary. This time around an apology is certainly warranted as I have yet to express my feelings on the passing of Ford.

My excuses are not any different than they have been in the past. I tend to get wrapped up in deeply personal matters that I can't express here and seem to forget that there are those who are checking daily for updates and hoping, at least some of them, for political commentary. This isn't something unique to my blog. I seem to have neglected or just flat out forgotten to do a lot lately. Just tonight I was sitting here and realized I was on the phone earlier in the week with a friend from high school, said I would call back, and forgot completely until now.

Do you ever find yourself in a place where you just aren't entirely sure what direction you're supposed to be headed in? I am generally a motivated, well-directed, and goal oriented individual, but lately I seem to have lost direction. In a way I feel as if I am going in circles.

Last week I called a friend of mine who has in every sense been the person that no one else can be for me--she keeps me grounded and reminds me of where I have been in comparison to where I am now. Afterward, for about two days, I was incredibly motivated and anxious to accomplish many things and it seems I've fallen back into my earlier pattern of disinterest. I'm not even sure what I am disinterested in. I know much of it has to do with school. Last week I was really frustrated with ISU and with my academic plans in general. My topic choice for my weekly column in the Idaho State Journal was centered on the new semester at ISU and how much I love ISU. More than anything I think it was an attempt to convince myself. And for what it's worth, I don't think it was all that effective.

For a couple of days now I have been absolutely dreading the start of the new semester at ISU. Every morning, for several now, I wake up and it dawns on me that I am just another day closer to the beginning of something I want nothing to do with. Maybe this is burn out. It can't be senioritis (it could be if there were any end in sight, but there isn't). Whatever it is, I would trade it for any list of intolerable things. Tonight as I was ironing, something I detest and am horrible at, it crossed my mind that I would rather iron for eight hours a day for the next sixteen weeks than face this semester. If truly understood how I feel about ironing, you would understand just how much I am not looking forward to this semester.

Last semester was particularly trying. I think that was because it was my first attempt at juggling the processing of the Stallings Collection with my school, senate, and personal responsibilities. Perhaps I'm afraid of another sixteen weeks of what I early on termed as the "worst semester ever." Or perhaps I'm afraid of where I go from here. At some point I will graduate and then what? I'm lacking direction in career choices as well. I think everyone assumes I will teach and at this point I'm not the least bit interested in teaching. Maybe my future career goals are skewed by my current goal of completing the Stallings Collection.

Whatever the case may be, I'm in a rut. And so, when I'm lacking in political commentary in the next few weeks, please be understanding. When things slow down or at least become manageable, I will have something to say about the Ford funeral, something that is still on my mind as evidenced by yesterday's post. Until then, I look forward to reading the other Idaho blogs and look forward to news from the Idaho legislature as the session begins tomorrow.

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