Sunday, March 22, 2009

A Spring Break from Blogging

"Well you need sunlight for things to go right."

-- Stroke 9, "Just Can't Wait"

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Spring Break has always evoked mixed feelings on my part. It, like any other forced break from school, used to represent time I absolutely dreaded as a kid. As an adult still immersed in the clockwork of academic semesters, I dread prolonged breaks from school for new yet equally irksome reasons. I suppose some consider Pocatello a college town and it should come as no surprise to me that some view those who live here as merely temporary academic residents, but it still, nearly six years after I began college, annoys the hell out of me when someone asks if I am going home for the break. It must have happened at least ten times on Friday alone. Just because it is Spring Break on the campus of Idaho State University doesn't mean everybody is leaving town. Pocatello is my home, at least for the moment and no, I'm not leaving town.

I remember the days back when I had roommates who would pack up all of their laundry, surely for their mothers to do while they were home, and would leave Pocatello for whichever break and spend it in their hometowns with their families. I'm sure this was happening all over town Friday afternoon, college kids loading up their cars full of laundry and heading home. Some may have even headed for some place warm, maybe even Florida or Arizona where Spring training is in full swing, literally.

I'm not leaving town. Couldn't leave if I wanted to. The short leash I'm on has less to do with my every-other-day physical therapy schedule and more to do with my inability to ride in a car, still. My schedule will be uninterrupted by Spring break. I'll be right here working on the Stallings Collection that may never be complete if I take another break. I'll be right here battling my way through physical therapy with every hope that all this work is getting me somewhere. I'll be right here wishing I was somewhere warm with a body that would allow me to enjoy the sunshine, either on a baseball field or atop a bicycle.

I can't take a break from work. I can't take a break from physical therapy. I can't take a break from Pocatello. And, I can't take a break from this ridiculous back of mine, unfortunately. So, in the absence of any other form of vacation, I am taking a week-long break from blogging.

One week away from my blog and the blogs of others may not be everything I need, but it is all there is, at least all I have any control over right now. It will extend the break I've had from listening to Zeb Bell, a break my mental health desperately needed and a break that may extend indefinitely. It will hopefully prevent me from posting a quote and music video every day that merely grazes the surface of the battles I'm waging on a much deeper level. Perhaps it will prevent me from losing my cool on a daily basis over the complete apathy some people possess when it comes to extreme hatred. Maybe the time off will allow for graduate school applications and follow-up phone calls. The fool in me has put a lot of this off thinking there was something here for me. There isn't and I'm realizing it more and more every day. Or maybe a week off will just be a week off and I'll squander the time on something else and I'll come back as frustrated as when I left and I'll go back to listening to Zeb, which I find to be an awful lot like beating my head against my desk. Maybe I'll come back and I'll have realized that it wasn't sunlight I needed, "mehr licht" as Goethe said on his deathbed, but a fresh perspective and a good night's rest.

Things haven't been going right or well around here in quite some time and as much as I want them to turn around, I know that I have to make the first move. I have to let the sunlight in. Brace yourselves for silence and I'll see you all next Sunday.

1 comment :

Geoff said...

Bask in the sunlight Tara, and take your break to heal and (hopefully) enjoy and regenerate.
I can definitely empathize with what listening to Zeb four days out of the week can do to a person. Hope the back gets better!